Okay, campers, rise and shine, and don't forget your booties 'cause it's cold out there today

It's cold out there every day.

This is the culmination.

I feel weird. Very weird. I don't know how to explain it. I'm not sure if today happened. Part of me is writing this post just to see if it's still here tomorrow. A part of me feels like today didn't exist. That I'll wake up tomorrow and it will be Monday, Nov 17. That I'll go to my physics and chem classes. That I'll take my biochem test. That I'll check my blog and this update won't be here.

It's weird. I feel like life is changing. But more than that. I feel like I'm living a new life. I feel like I've finally accomplished what I've sought for so long: I have finally severed all ties to my past.

I feel like I'm living in an alternate world. Nothing is like before. I'm struggling in my classes. I'm actually actively seeking out the company of others. Matt and I are best of friends now, and Alex is half way across the world. I'm happy and less contemplative. I have more control over my life, yet I'm less successful.

It's surreal. I don't know how else to explain it. I have every safety net imaginable. There are no real risks in my life. Life is comfort and sure. But I feel like I'm blazing new trails. I feel even more than ever that I can't rely on others. I almost feel as though it's gotten to the point that some rely on me; but that's too much.

I keep expecting that I'll go to sleep and wake up one day to find myself back in ninth grade, that the last seven or so years have been a dream.

Courtney Christensen, Brian Johnson, Anne Ogden, they are all married. My friends and grown, changed, and are gone. The people I consider my friends are people I didn't know six months ago. I have eight nieces and nephews. The family is growing and changing. Except for the things that I have desperately clung to, my life has completely rinsed itself of everything old. My life now is unrecognizable from the life I lived two years ago, five years ago, ten years ago. I no longer have connections with people from those times because I am living a new life that has learned to adapt and grow without them. My life is a lesson in evolution. I'm overcoming trials, defeating obstacles, finally moving on. And while I'm loving it, I keep wondering 'what if'.

What if I said this?
What if I went to that dance?
What if I talked to that person?
What if I apologized that one time?

I think the reason I live within my head so much, is because life scares me. Or rather, I know that life is more than just this mortal realm, and I guess I'm trying not to invest too much into it. I'm too excited to move on. I want to see not what this world has to offer, but what IS offered. Not here, but everywhere. Nowhere. The wheres I create.

I don't know. I'm ranting. I'm confused. This won't even be here tomorrow.

i'm going to sleep

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